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Author:	Doreen Amatelli	Created:	Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Tips on becoming a more confident and effective communicator including presentation skills, interpersonal or written

Build Rapport for Better Communication

By Doreen Amatelli on Monday, April 26, 2010

“I’m having trouble communicating with a colleague at work. He just doesn’t listen to me.” This is a common complaint among my clients. There are many reasons why two people can have difficulty communicating, and although it may be interesting to delve into those reasons, it can be counter productive. Instead practice some of these techniques and learn how to gain rapport. You may find it is the answer to your problem.

When two people are in rapport, they naturally mimic each other’s body language, speak in similar ways and focus their attention on a common subject. If you learn to consciously adopt these behaviors, you can gain rapport and open up the lines of communication.

Here are a few suggestions on how to gain rapport:

Eliminate obstacles between you and the other person

The next time you see the person with whom you have difficulty communicating, sit or stand next to him or her. Don’t position yourself directly face-to-face. Also, try to avoid any obstruction such as a table or wall between you and the other person. Notice any differences in the interaction.

Match the other person’s behavior

If the other person talks quickly, speed up your speech to his or her pace. If the person speaks quietly, soften your voice to match his or hers. You can also match their body language. If he or she is sitting crossed legged, gradually adjust your posture and cross your legs in the same manner. Be sure to imitate their behaviors slowly and gradually so they don’t take notice. If you adjust your speech or posture too quickly or all at the same time, they might think you are mocking them and then you are out of rapport.

Guide the other person’s behavior to match yours

Once you have matched the other person’s behaviors for a bit, you may find the conversation starting to flow somewhat easier. Then little by little adjust your behaviors to your level. This works especially well when the other person is irate or angry. After matching an angry person’s loud or forceful tone of voice, gradually lower your voice and slow your rate of speech. Watch how the other person follows your lead and the lines of communication widen.

Doreen holds an MBA and has spent over 18 years working at major corporations and small businesses in finance and marketing. As a certified professional development coach and workshop leader at Way to Goal! www.waytogoal.com

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LISTEN UP

By Doreen Amatelli on Thursday, July 24, 2008

You may have heard that effective communication is critical to building and maintaining good personal and professional relationships. This is very important since most of us spend 70% of our day communicating, and 45% of that time is spent listening. A great way to build better relationships with others is to improve our listening skills. Generally, there are 3 levels of listening that have different types of responses. A person who listens at Level 1 listens for how to apply what the other person is saying. A Level 2 listener responds with respect to the thought process of the other person. The most effective listening level is Level 3. At this level, the listener reflects the feelings behind the words of the other person.

Here are 2 examples with 3 different responses. As you read think about which sounds more like your typical response?

Example #1:

”I am planning to take a trip to Europe next summer. I have been saving up for a long time and I can’t wait to go.”

Response

Level 1

I remember when I traveled to Europe. I had a lot of fun. I really liked Rome and Paris.

Level 2

That’s great. What airline are you taking? What’s your itinerary? Make sure your passport is up to date.

Level 3

It sounds like you are very excited about this trip and really looking forward to going.

Example #2:

I didn’t get the job. I had a great interview and I thought they really liked me. I don’t know what happened.

Response

Level 1

That’s a bummer. Maybe you didn’t dress appropriately. I know the last time I didn’t get a job that I wanted I thought it might have been because I wasn’t wearing the right suit.

Level 2

Sorry to hear that. Did you mention your experience working in that industry? Maybe you could call them to find out why you didn’t get the job.

Level 3

It is disappointing to not get the result you expected after so much preparation for the interview. It also sounds like you may be a little bit confused about why you didn’t get the job.

Over the next few weeks, try listening and responding at level 3 with the people who are most important to you in your life. Notice any changes in the conversation or even in the relationship.

Comments (96)

IT'S ALL WHO YOU KNOW

By Doreen Amatelli on Wednesday, July 23, 2008

In my early 20’s, I hated networking. When I joined AT&T I thought the idea of using your relationships to get something was deceitful and dishonest. Read on…..

Jim (name changed), was an “idea man” and one of the best networkers (or con artists) I ever met. Jim was a co-worker who was hired into our marketing department from sales. Something struck me about him. Every time I had to meet with him about a work-related issue, he was always willing to talk with me—about everything except work! Furthermore, I always seem to leave our meetings with the responsibility of the action item. After a few more meetings like this, I realized what he was doing. When I confronted him, he replied, “I’m not much of an implementer.” Well, at least he was aware of his weaknesses. Jim got this job through his co-worker, who he used to work with in the sales field, who also was just hired into our department. Hmmm!

I quickly discovered that many people who were offered career opportunities were not, in my opinion, better at their job than I was. In fact, many of them were less qualified. So, how do these people survive or even thrive in a company?

Well, it’s been said that people will do business with whom they know and like. In fact, if two people applied for a position or bid on a project with the exact same qualifications and background, the one who would most likely get the job would be the one who is better liked by the hiring manager.

Look at it another way. Regardless of the person’s ability to do the job, would you rather work with someone you like or someone you didn’t?

So, is networking a bad thing? If you consciously choose to connect with your contacts in order to obtain something, is that dishonest? I guess it would be if you didn’t have the substance behind you to support your claims or if you didn’t offer information or opportunities for others to network with your contacts.

Networks are present in all facets of our lives—our brains are made of neural networks, businesses like MCI offered a long-distance discount service called “Friends and Family”. And, probably the biggest network that revolutionized new ways and opportunities for sharing information is the internet. I recently was invited to attend a virtual network that, when invited, you are linked with the people with whom your host knows and with whom they know, and so on. Through this medium, I have met new business associates and reconnected with past co-workers.

Over the years in corporate America and now in my own business, I realize that networking is especially valuable and fulfilling to both those with whom I network and those who want to network with me.

In this life, we are all connected anyway (by at most 6 degrees, I have discovered), so why not encourage and strengthen these connections when we can. Needless to say, I no longer hate networking!

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